let me be brave
by Emmel1118
Summary: She sees the Raven flutter. Her heart misses a beat. [...] Let me be brave. - oneshot.


**_warning - contains spoilers for FACE THE RAVEN._**

 _..._

 _let me be brave_

...

She wonders if he'll burn down worlds for her.

She knows she told him not to, but-

but he's the Doctor and sometimes she saw the darkness in his eyes.

...

She knows it's her fault. It doesn't help to calm the fear that creeps up her spine or the overwhelming sense of sadness that is washing over her, but she knows.

She was stupid, silly - she just always thought the Doctor would be able to save her. They always saved the day, survived to fight again. She got arrogant and here they are.

...

She hopes the Doctor doesn't take her name and use it as an excuse.

She doesn't want to become synonymous with fire and burning and anger. She wants the Doctor to be forgiving, to remember her and try and be the good man she knows he is.

She remembers him, and his lack of tact and his dark sense of humour and his kindness. She remembers the man he was, bow ties and smiles and nervous energy.

She hopes the darkness stays away and that he never turns a sky orange with hate.

...

She wonders how it must feel to grow old. She doesn't have that liberty anymore. There's a countdown on her neck that makes her painfully aware of that.

Soon the Raven will come and she will be gone and Clara Oswald will be nothing but a memory.

But now, before that, she wonders about growing old – about a fantasy she once held, long ago.

Growing old with a man she loved. Holding Danny's hand, sitting around the table, old and wrinkled, whilst their children sat beside them, smiling.

She still finds it funny sometimes; all those alien worlds, all those terrible weapons and evil monsters – and all it took to take away the man she loved was a car.

She could have been normal, not a time traveller who saved worlds with a mad man in a box and Danny still would have been cut down by a car because he didn't look where he was going.

She sometimes screams at the injustice of it all. Maybe that's why she's here, now, with a bird with death's eyes looking at her and promising her the end. Maybe she took all those chances, all those risk, because then, if she died it wouldn't be so bloody unfair, because it came with the territory. The Doctor is not the man he once was because he took risks and liberties and _died_.

But she is not the Doctor, so after she has faced the Raven, when things are done and over and finished, she will not rise again.

She will be dead.

…

If she never met the Doctor, she would never have travelled in time – seen the stars and the universe, and alien worlds and strange creatures and she never would have helped to save worlds.

If she never met the Doctor, she wouldn't be standing in a London alley way that doesn't really exists, staring eye to eye with death and losing.

The counter on the back of her neck ticks down again. She can feel that zero is coming.

The Raven is coming.

She feels like a little lost school girl, and suddenly – she can see an image. The school gates – _her_ school gates, Coal Hill, with flowers and photos; kids mourning and crying for a teacher _who_ _was the absolute best._ Crying yet again because she isn't the first, because Danny was and these kids already have it tough enough.

It's that, that almost makes her falter. The images, flashing through her head of those she's going to leave behind – the school kids fade and are replaced by her parents, her beautiful, ordinary parents who thought their daughter was the world. Who will tell them she will never come home again?

She feels glad that Danny is already gone. She shivers at the thought of leaving him behind too.

And for what? For Rigsy, she guesses. In the back of her head, she weighed things up, not that she'll admit it because she always _knew_ the Doctor would find a way to save the day – but she did, just in case. She has an empty flat; Rigsy has a wife, a daughter, a future. It was simple, really. She thought she was doing the right thing, but she wasn't and here she is.

…

She sees the Raven flutter.

Her heart misses a beat.

She wonders what death feels like. If it hurts.

She wonders if she'll see Danny again. That's something, at least, if she can see him again.

...

She promises herself she will not cry.

She knows that despite telling him to stay inside, not to follow, the Doctor will be there, watching.

She repeats it again and again in her head, fighting the fear, the anger, the guilt – the overwhelming feeling to just collapse to the floor and weep.

 _Let me be brave._

 _Let me be brave._

 _Let me be brave._

…

And she is.


End file.
